Welcome to Charlotte, the home of the 2012 Democratic Party National Convention!
Since we sent out the first notice in May, there have been some changes in the convention schedule, so please pay attention to these changes.
Arrrival
Someone in the DNC headquarters, no longer in our employ, failed to notice that North Carolina is a right-to-work state and the employees at the city’s main hotels or Time-Warner Center and Bank of America Carolina Stadium don’t belong to unions. Our AFL-CIO backers asked us to persuade the venue hosts to allow us to import union staff to handle normal duties for this week but the hotels refused. So, on Monday, Labor Day, instead of joining us in the opening ceremonies in the Grand Hall, the unions will join the OccupyWallStreet contingent by forming picket lines out front.
Just don’t be alarmed of the loud chants and curses of Local 427 (they will be the ones carrying placards tacked to baseball bats) 
as you depart your shuttles for the hotel lobby. These are only displays for the benefit of the press.
Registration
Upon entering the convention you will be directed to our registration desk, where you will be greeted by Ivan, Benny and Kramer.
There you will receive your convention packet and credentials to come and go as you please during the exciting three days of nominating for a second time our Dear Leader, Barack H Obama as our party’s unanimous choice for president.
Security
As you enter the convention site you will immediately notice our security cadres, headed by the President’s own personal security chief, Mr B Conner (standing at the far left.)
Orientation
One of Mr Conner’s staff will direct you to one of our many orientation rooms, where you will be briefed on the week’s activities, be asked to check your cameras and cell phones, and remove your clothing to submit to a full body search.
As for the body search, this is the new normal, Mr Conner assures us. Republican operatives have already infiltrated the venue site with false credentials and erected that awful sand sculpted caricature ridiculing Dear Leader, making him look like Godfrey Cambridge. And now city officials say we cannot remove it as the Myrtle Beach C o C (That’s in South Carolina, and no friend of the campaign, and also where about half the city of Charlotte is this week) paid for the spot. (Mr Conner and his staff are looking into possible remedies.) So your cooperation in preventing these spies from performing any more dirty tricks on the convention floor will be appreciated.
If anything goes wrong during the convention, it will be either their fault, or Bush’s.
Good news: To maintain your phone service, you will each find in your registration packet a new cell phone (without camera) for your personal use, with unlimited minutes for five days, paid for generously by Vice President Biden’s 2009 Stimulus Fund manager, so be sure and pack a list of your most-used phone numbers. As an added treat, all the phone’s ring tones have been set to a bell chime of The Internationale, but please keep the ringers turned off while inside the convention hall.
Opening Ceremonies
On Monday, the Convention will officially begin with an invocation, this year offered up to Gaia by the High Priestess of the Order of Medusa (Upper Vehicle), Jeanine Garofolo….
….followed by a rousing rendering with a Middle Eastern tempo of The Internationale by the Janjaweed-Darfur Marching Band, and sung by the men’s choir of the Citadel of Saladin Mosque in Cairo.
Finally, the Boys’ League of Philadelphia will lead us in a recitation of the Progressives Creed: 
We are the non-doctrinaire communists;
We are the heterodox and heretical, but also the most faithful.
We subscribe to no “ism” but communism;
We accept no doctrine but the general doctrine of the liberation of the working class.
Break Out Sessions
In Hall A, just to the left of the Obama Sphinx (generously loaned to us by the Chicago Museum of Fine Arts) will be a seminar entitled “Gay Marriage and the Politics of Bushite Reactionarism. Moderator: Jim McGreevy
In the center Hall B, just below the portrait of Chairman Mao (on loan from Valery Jarrett) Chris Matthews will moderate a panel discussion, “Can Democrats Ever be Racists?”
In Hall C, to the far right, just past the Greek columns, will be a panel discussion on Reproductive Freedom and the War on Women, moderated by Sandra Fluke. (At the close of the session, Ms Fluke will host a napkin-signing at the cost $25, which will include a buss on the cheek, or optional handshake and photo.”)
About Charlotte and Environs
You may find the city a little inactive this week with several downtown shoppes closed and many of the neon lights turned off. We are told this is normal for the Labor Day weekend as North Carolinians are noted for their last fling at the beach, sun, surf and shagging (which in North Carolina is a dance with no LGBT subtexts.) And with only about 20, 75 of the Democrat congressional delegation and their entourages attending this year even more of the city’s businesses have taken a few extra days off. (We extend warmest greetings and encouragement to our stalwart congressional warriors who must stay home to fight the election battle and to defend the great strides made by Dear Leader the past three years in reshaping Amerika into the beacon of social justice we all so wish to see realized!)
(The empty city may also be because Mr Connor and Mr Trumka may have been a little pushy is asking local stores and eateries to advertise with us in the Restaurant and Entertainment Guide (the Little Red Book found in your registration packet). With so many now closed or their front windows broken out we have highlighted in bold red the restaurants who have union labor, or otherwise have paid the $175 insurance advertising surcharge.
Also note: There are 35 Chick-Fil-A’s in Charlotte, 6 downtown. Mr Connor has stationed men outside each. Remember, our non-judgmental boycott stands even during this festive season of togetherness.
Besides, if you like chicken, El Presidente Chavez has taken the entire 10th floor of the Excelsior Hotel, and has crated in ten truckloads of live chickens which his Army kitchen staff will prepare and barbeque with their special Venezuelan sauce. (Price : $10.99 for three pieces. Take out only). Just present your delegate pass to the armed guard at the elevator in the lobby.
(This is Hugo’s special tribute to both his old friend, Fidel, who entertained New York City this same way during his 1962 visit to the United Nations, and to his new friend, Barack Obama, who, we know, also has experience in wringing a chicken’s neck, which proves he truly is a real man of the people.)
Recreation and Hospitality
Another error from our former employee in choosing Charlotte is the absence of many ranges of entertainments our delegates have enjoyed elsewhere. This is not to say there aren’t many pretty ladies in Charlotte, it is just that they all seem to be Christians. (Holds back gag reflex.) In any case, our good friend and supporter, Mayor Emanuel, was able to arrange for the delivery of 500 of Chicago’s finest on short notice, and you will be able to find them in the lounges at the hotels and bars with a bright red asterisk on the Hotel & Dining section of your Little Red Book.
A few rules of the road have changed, however. Some of our delegates used corporate credit cards in Denver, charges which their companies refused to honor and charged back. (Who has their nails trimmed at 2 AM anyway?) And others used their delegate passes to run a tab, so to speak, then ducked out on the final payday.
The Party cannot be responsible for irresponsible behavior, and word gets around, so the Chicago girls have all been instructed by their pimp managers back home to insist on cash. Up front. But there’s a kicker: some other friends of Mayor Emanuel let elements of the Russian mob know about this special ferrying service and they are already offering brand new $100 bills, in lots of 10, for only $100 on Charlotte street corners. The good news, unless you buy a wad, is that Mr Conner’s people were able to get wind of this so the ladies have all been alerted. The bad news is they will all demand payment in small bills, nothing higher than tens. FYI.
Closing Ceremonies
After the vice president’s (we’re still not sure who yet) acceptance speech on Wednesday (limited to ten minutes, no ad libs, so we assume it’s still Joe Biden) and President Obama’s acceptance speech on Thursday, the convention will end with a rousing singing of Joe Hill, a parade and motorcade beginning at Carolina Stadium…
…and ending at the airport, all captured on film by the multi-talented Debbie Riefenstahl-Shultz, where President Obama, his wife and children will wave goodbye and fly off for a week’s vacation in Rio.
Forward! Put on a Happy Face!
